Not even PBS.

In the interests of full disclosure, yes, I do watch basketball games. College, mostly. And that's it. This gives you a very skewed idea of the ads on television—beer, sneaks, cars, mostly. I haven't seen an ad for "feminine protection products" in years. I do have two televisions though—the little one a gift from one grandmother when I turned 18 (and was still watching television) and the other one, the big one, a gift from my father to his mother, and when she died shortly thereafter, I could scarcely turn it down. The little one used to sit on one chest of drawers in the bedroom, and I watched Bullwinkle every morning. When that no longer ran in the morning, that television (by then, very old, and not even pawn-able—I know, I tried) moved into the room I use as an office, where I could watch basketball games with one eye while fiddling with the computer. The (comparatively) big television is hooked up to the VCR for movies.

All of which is to say I am not the average couch potato. When people talk about Seinfield [sic.], I smile blandly, cluelessly. I don't have cable; I have rabbit ears. I don't read the television listings in the paper. My last stab at watching television was regularly taping The Simpsons, but I gave that up when I realized I would never, ever, watch the stockpiled tapes.

I don't watch television.

But they called me to be a Neilsen family. Me. I even told them I don't watch television. They wanted me anyway. They are sending me two diaries, one for each television. Now what do I do? Do I lie, and try and figure out what television might be worth watching, and write that down? Do I poll my friends who might have tastes about what I should write down? What television isn't so horrid that it should live? After all, I am no longer a one-person household, age 35, income low, I am now 1000 one-person households, and all of the 999 other households are depending on me.

Or do I be honest and return blank diaries?

…

I split the difference. One television, the little one, wasn't turned on at all—after all, it isn't basketball season, and basketball is mostly what that television does. I did go out of my way to remember to sit down and watch The Simpsons and King of the Hill, both of which were quite enjoyable, and I might even watch them again sometime. I wouldn't count on it, but it could happen.

I have this honest streak that rather annoys me, you see. I could have filled out the diary without watching anything, but I did like The Simpsons, and it didn't seem worth the karmic cost to lie about watching it when I hadn't. Besides, the FAQ they send with your diaries says "All homes that are chosen to keep a diary are important whether they watch TV just a little or a lot." You'll note that they don't include those of us who don't watch at all, but I did tell them I didn't watch, and they did say they wanted me anyway. Which all means that they did manage to coerce me into consuming a whole hour of television. I suppose they should be proud of themselves.

The diaries also provide space to comment on the shows, and how much you enjoyed them. They say they like "receiving comments because the information is helpful." This I don't believe. Even if you didn't like the show much, if you're going to tune in again, you get to see the ads; and, let's face it_ads are the important part. I mostly like ads—no laugh track. I would be more likely to watch 30 minutes of ads than a standard sitcom. And ads tend to be more visually interesting, and better scripted—perhaps if sitcoms were limited to no more than 60 seconds, they too could be better scripted?

I also find it troublesome that they explain and explain how to fill out the diary. Folks, this isn't rocket science. It isn't even domestic science. What does it say about the television-consuming public that they find the diaries difficult? I mean, you fill out a page with your name, age, sex, etc., then every time you turn on the television, you write down what you watch at what time. That's it. And one of the questions on the FAQ is "Is it hard to keep a TV diary?"

There may be a connection between being as dumb as rocks and watching television.

Which is not to say I'm not dumb as rocks, of course. I mean, I did take their dollar....

Margaret J. Campbell

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