Robo-Roach:
Big Brother or Little Buddy?
The
Associated Press ran a story recently about the
Tokyo University micro-robotics team’s latest development, the “Robo-Roach”.
No, this was not The Globe. I wish we could explain it away
as effortlessly as the “bat-boy”. The Tokyo team has just been awarded a $5 million
grant from the Japanese government to further their research.
This “Robo-Roach” is a typical American cockroach, just like you’d find in any Denny’s kitchen. Except this roach has been “surgically implanted with a micro-robotic backpack that allows researchers to control its movements.” The researchers gas the poor thing with carbon dioxide, rip out its wings and antennae and fit “pulse-emitting electrodes” where the antennae used to be. The researchers can then maneuver this thing like some sort of remote controlled Tyco toy. The remote sends signals to the backpack that stimulate the electrodes, which in turn make the roach turn left, right, scamper forward or spring backward.
Isao Shimoyana, head of the Tokyo University micro-robotics research team was quoted as saying, “The potential applications of this work for mankind could be immense.” Jesus, what in the hell is he trying to say? Is this the prototype for the development of a remote-controlled human race? Or maybe only the “select” ones they want to control?
“Within
a few years”, this madman continues, “electronically controlled insects carrying
mini cameras or other sensory devices [?!?!] could be used for a variety of
sensitive missions— like crawling through earthquake rubble to search for
victims, or slipping under doors on espionage surveillance”.
Wait just a second, here. This
Shimoyana sure is one slick character. He
tries to smoke screen us with heroic imagery of this lifesaving pest, in hopes
that we will be so caught up in a new compassion for this forever-loathed
insect that our own pulse emitting electrodes fail to register the ramifications
of a remote controlled, nuclear holocaust resistant, microscopic, government-controlled
peeping Frankenstein monster.
One of the questions that enters my mind besides “Will PETA picket this?” is what impact will this have on free thought and our rights as citizens to privacy? Are we headed for some Orwellian/Kafka-esque roach-infested society? If we stand up before it is too late, perhaps we can turn this potential fascist movement around and make these insect cyborgs work in favor of the common man. Below I have compiled a short list of ways to use this technology in a positive way, the American way, so we can continue to masturbate in the dark and grow pot in our closets:
Robo-Roach hood ornaments/dashboard ornaments— What a great way to document police beatings and other fuzz misconduct than with this new and trendy security system/status symbol. Goodbye to the aromatic gold crown on the dash, and those snooty inverted peace symbols you see on hoods of those foreign cars. Document illegal search and seizures, sexual harassment and other LA-style shenanigans with this security system soon to be more threatening than that scary “Viper” alarm and more popular than “the Club”. Gold-plated exoskeleton available at extra cost.
Robo-Roach, the political watchdog— Combat the Washington insanity with a strategic placement of “Robo-Roaches” in notorious political figures’ offices, briefcases, travel flasks, etc. Give the guys one roach-free chance to really fuck up, then they become a human roach motel. Assholes like Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich would be out of office faster than you could whistle “Dixie” in an elevator. Perhaps we could affix these insects to extremely dangerous politicians’ bodies, to keep them on a tighter leash. Many politicians already have a bug up their ass and don’t even know it.
Robo-Roach crime documentation jewelry and dog-tags — Think how much money we taxpayers could save without those long, overblown court proceedings. If Little Rascal Day Care students had sported roach rings, necklaces or earrings, we’d know what (or whose pants) went down there. Had Nicole Brown- Simpson been adorned with the same dazzling jewelry, O.J. would be pounding out California vanity plates right now. Had the dog (or Kato, for that matter) worn a roach rabies tag or owner’s tag, we might have better documentation of O.J. wearing those “ugly ass” Bruno Magli shoes.
Robo-Roach, the ultimate airline “black box” — These guys can survive a nuclear blast. Replace the black box with the roach, and we would have figured out the mystery of TWA flight 800 long ago, complete with breathtaking video. They might even have had enough sense in their tiny little insect brains to tell Little Jessica not to fly in a fucking monsoon. Hell, give the damn roaches pilot licenses. They could probably fly better than half of today’s pilots, plus they don’t have a hankering for the sauce.
Robo-Roach, the baby monitor — Why rely on those plastic Fisher Price battery robbing, overpriced crib walkie talkies when a child’s safety is at stake? A cockroach in the crib will not only provide company and pacification in those brief waking moments when you’re too busy reading the paper, but will offer you a video and audio monitor of your baby’s lucid hours, and perhaps an early interest in entomology. A rotating musical roach mobile can also work wonders on your tot. It will provide entertainment and fascination while also giving the parent numerous cinematic perspective scenes of their already over-photographed offspring.
Robo-Roach outpatient exploratory surgery and medical procedures — Save thousands of dollars on anesthesia and useless incisions. Doctors will be able to maneuver these insects through various body cavities, obtaining vital aural and visual documentation to detect numerous potentially life threatening maladies. Painful and violating prostate ultrasounds and embarrassing gynecological examinations could become obsolete, thanks to “Robo-Roach”. These antiquated and uncomfortable explorations could be replaced with this advanced, exciting and titillating new experience. Who would have thought exploratory procedures could feel so funny?
Eric Shepherd
(Isn't this how Planet of the Apes started? - Skip)